Anger

I have finally grown into the person I have always wanted to be. And I am angry.

When I was in Europe, and this summer which I spent in Vermont, I had the same realization. I didn’t cry.

The whole time.

Before then, there very rarely went a week where I did not cry. It was often every day. I can’t imagine living like that now, and I am angry that I used to have to.

I am angry that I was stupid. I am angry that I was sad. I am angry that I am twenty one and just now learning how to live.

At the end of the day, when I lay down, I do not cry, and I am thankful for that. But I am still angry.

Why did my family raise me in such a mess? Why didn’t I realize the hell I was in when I was in it? Why didn’t other people in my family save me? Did they not see I was suffering, or instead did they not care?

Why didn’t I realize the same hell bred in my former relationships?

Why couldn’t I purge my smoky brain of anxiety and depression for so long? I can’t imagine going back to that, now.

Why? Why have I wasted so much of my youth?

I am angry, and I take it out on myself. Or, I did. I threw myself into work. Or, I do. I overwhelm(ed) myself on purpose. I shut myself away from people who could help. Why? Before, to protect myself from sadness. Now, to protect myself from anger.

How can I release it? How can I let it go?

I blaze like fire. You know why I’m back to this blog, this record of my depression, and it’s because even though I am happy, even though I am the happiest I’ve ever been, even though I see an escape, just on the horizon, even though I am in love with my boyfriend and my life and myself, and even though I have not cried in a record amount of weeks, I am angry.

This is the blog where I post my emotions. I just haven’t had enough emotions to post in the last six months. I have been good. I have been happy. But collecting under my newfound happiness is an anger, because I know I should have been this happy my whole life.

I will learn to let it go. I deserve to be free of anger.

I have done so much to get myself where I am now. I should release the past. I will.

I am free now, am I not? I am happy, and I refuse to feel guilty for my joy.

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2 thoughts on “Anger

  1. Thanks for your honesty. You’ve still got your whole life ahead of you. If you were angry, you must have had every reason to be. Don’t let your past dictate your future – let it define you like you are doing already. If you continue with this great blog, you will find joy in helping others through their anger too. I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts.

    Like

  2. I can relay my years at your age, now in my seventies, I have matured to accept all that happened in those years, when I think back to those days and ask the same questions you are asking in my mind, I try to toss it aside, most times I win.
    Stay happy. Blessings.

    Like

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