catch me if i fall

i feel as if i am a woman of polar opposites. i am fiercely strong, yet unendingly weak. i am a woman at peace,a woman at war. i am a person of introversion, a person of strength an inner depth…but i am so dependent.

i need others. i need someone to catch me when i fall. i depend so heavily on family and friends. i can’t feel alone. i go crazy if i feel alone.

obviously, i enjoy solitude. i like being physically alone. i mean mentally. i need to know i have a safety net, a web of friends. i need people who support me by kicking me with their heels to get me into a run. i need people who comfort me and life my hands in theirs and patter me with kisses and hold me like a cracked ornament.

i need people, i do. truly. does that make me a bad introvert? 🙂

i couldn’t survive alone. i dump my problems on those around me. without my friends, without this blog, without you, my problems would not get dumped, and they would sit in my head like a steaming pile of garbage, stinking and rotting and driving me out with their stench.

i am selfish.

i try to support. i try to hold others up, but my arms aren’t as strong as i want them to be, as they need them to be. i feel useless to others.

My joints are stiff with baseless anxiety.

Calming down is nerve wracking

I’m meant to be meditating, keeping mindful, breathing deep whenever I start to feel overwhelmed or nervous. But meditating only makes it worse.

When I start trying to relax my body, I hit a point where I feel adrenaline start pumping and soon I’m breathing too quickly and then it’s all ruined.

I think it’s because I don’t like feeling vulnerable, and that’s a big part of relaxing to that extent. And yes, I do usually have a bit of tension–I’m always sore in my shoulders, my jaw, my lower back.

Stress is hard to will away. It’s hard to get rid of that thought, “I could be doing something more productive.” And everything seems more productive than listening to wave sounds for ten minutes.

Sometimes it works out. I’m okay at some of the ones that remind me of dance classes, stretching your muscles and all, but when it gets up to relaxing my chest and head it get uncomfortable and I start jittering around.

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All that written above I wrote about 2 years ago. It was sitting in my “drafts” all this time.

I still have trouble meditating alone, with nothing, but I’ve found a few solutions. Music helps, or other white noise. It helps to have something to look at, like burning incense or candles or plants or something else pretty. It also helps to hold something. A crystal, if you’re like me and half insane. A baby blanket, whatever. It helps to imagine it giving you strength by soaking your worries away, like a sponge.

It helps with visualization to have something real.

Just my two cents.

On Boredom

As someone who can spend upwards of 7 hours on YouTube, and who has no problem driving for days at a time or on 12-hour flights, you’d think I knew how to deal with boredom. Well, you’d be mistaken.

There are certain times during the day when I run out of things to do. I’m waiting on a phone call, I’ve finished my tasks for the day, my boss is nowhere to be found…and I’m stuck. I can’t just pull up YouTube or Facebook, so I take to reading the news. Eventually, my eyes get sore from looking at the computer for so long, so I take a lap around the office. I go to the bathroom, not because I have to but because it’s there. I do the math, again, on how many days are left until my boyfriend gets back from Mexico. It’s always more days than I want it to be.

I usually end up getting something from the vending machine, but that’s never good. How do you deal with boredom in a setting where you aren’t supposed to be entertained? Where non-boring, non-work things are frowned upon?

I don’t know.

Really, I don’t. You just gotta chug along. I’ll be bored for a few minutes, but I’ll always find something to entertain me. Someone will call me with a task to do, or I’ll find something to work on. Before I know it, the day is over.

I think it’s because our brains are good at seeing patterns that boredom seems so constant. If you think to yourself, wow, I go to the bathroom a lot, you’ll be reminded of that thought every time you go to the bathroom and you’ll start believing it. Likewise, if you think to yourself, I’m always at work, that little light bulb will flash when you’re at work and not otherwise.

So, my little “I’m bored” light is flashing. What do I do?

No answer for you. I still don’t know. But my solution is to fill your mind with different light bulbs.

Wow, I’m always with my family.

I spend a lot of time in pajamas.

I’ve read a lot of books this year.

Keep your mind positive, and your life will follow. If you’re determined, it will happen, good or bad.

So, yeah, I guess my advice is to work hard…even when you have no more work left to do.

And if you’re that bored, go buy some gummy bears or something. Like I just did.

When I get overwhelmed….about nothing

Today, as the title suggests, I got overwhelmed about basically nothing. There wasn’t a ton of work to do at my internship, and I’ve done all my school work for the week. I just got overwhelmed. The computer screen was so bright, and people around me were being difficult, and it was just a lot to take in.

It wasn’t just that I had no reason to get overwhelmed, it’s the fact that I had nothing to do that overwhelmed me. It’s like when you’re about to go to sleep and suddenly you regret that one thing you did three years ago to the lady at the supermarket and all of a sudden it’s a sleepless night of worrying about one thing after another. The empty space fills itself pretty quickly. That, plus my eyes burning, just made me want to go to sleep.

It might just be an introvert thing. I don’t know, frankly, but I’ve never met an extrovert who stresses out over the lack of things to do. They usually just…find something to do. For me, I guess there’s just a time where I’m tired of listening to the intern next to me calling the same people over and over about human waste fertilizer (not kidding) and having people email me about stuff I don’t know, and “will this be in the paper, then?” and “why didn’t you pick me for the cartoon caption contest?” and so much just….constant frustration, everywhere. It’s a cloud of frustration wherever I go, and it just seemed to follow me everywhere today.

So what do you do, when everything gives you a headache?

Take a break. I went down to the mailroom to get the mail, bought a cup of tea, washed my hands a few times in the bathroom, walked around the building. A fifteen minute break from sitting in the cubicle was a saving grace. But soon the anxiety was coming back.

And it was at such high levels. And I kept thinking, why am I stressing out, I have nothing to worry about, which just stressed me out more.

My answer is music….it seems to always help. I plugged in and let the music fill me as I worked, and God…I’m so glad I still buy my music, because I can’t figure out spotify or anything and being able to make my own playlists is a dream. Choosing what comes on next for the next 25 songs? It’s heaven, I swear.

It helped me through it. Even if doing nothing was stressy, the music made me feel less empty. It filled me up. And kept me…I don’t know…stable.

Everyone has something different. I’d suggest keeping it with you at all times. This blog is kind of disorganized, but hopefully it helps some fellow anxious introverts out there. Even though we like being alone, it’s nice to know we aren’t. There’s people like us, even if we think we’re the only ones.