reiki

today i tried reiki

and a woman with warm hands

washed energy from my head to my feet

with arms moving in figure eights.

 

i lay on the table like a woman about to be cut in half

and she ran up my spine in vertical lines

no one ever cured someone by pushing air around

but she seems so serious i can’t help but respect her.

 

i close my eyes and feel still

i can hear dogs–or are they coyotes?

i want to be the breath behind their teeth

i want to be the stone she holds between her palms.

 

she tells me to sleep with amethyst under my pillow

i tell her thank you

she knew my knees were bothering me

they hurt when they are straight.

 

i wanted her to tell me what was wrong with my mind

but i guess my knees are a start

and amethyst can’t hurt, anyway

what else can you do when you’re this desperate?

Acceptance

You have me in denial

Daily begging for you back.

I’m angry that you never showed

A warning of attack.

It’s depressing that I’ll never know

What you would’ve become.

I’m waiting for acceptance

That I doubt will ever come.

 

What words that could have calmed you?

Where were you all last week?

Am I hopeless as I’m feeling?

Did you ever think to speak?

It’s depressing that you fought with darkness

While flashing me a smile.

I’m waiting for acceptance

But it’s taking quite awhile.

 

Perhaps I’m being selfish

Or perhaps I’m being vain.

But I can’t help but feel guilty

That I never saw your pain.

It’s depressing that you sat beside me

Just that afternoon.

I’m waiting for acceptance

That I hope is coming soon.

 

I know these words are futile

As they’re words you’ll never read.

But writing out my feelings

Seems to be just what I need.

Thank you for the time we had.

You’re one I won’t forget.

I’m sad but I’m surviving—

Though I can’t accept it yet.

Happy toes

For my grandmother, whose birthday is soon:

 

A hole a sock a thread a pin

A stuffed tomato to stick it in

A thimble a button a needle a knot

Using her teeth to pull it taut.

Blue and black, white and gray

A tube of glue for a rainy day

A nimble thumb, the smell of rose

A mended sock for happy toes

 

A lemon cookie, a mug of tea

A grandmother’s hug, just for me.

//

Full flavored faces are gone.

Wrong.//Shark attacks lasting a week

Long//Children are growing up tall,

Strong//Lullabies turned to a work

Song//Grass stains on knees ice cream in

Hand//Careers fighting fire are half

Planned// Strapped to a chair once you can

Stand//Plucked from clouds sewn to the

Land//

Roam

When all I can say is repeat what’s been said

It’s hard to believe that the words in my head

Are anything worthy to write or be read

Perhaps I should focus on running, instead.

For who reads newspapers half a day old?

The company’s heart’s barely beating, I’m told

Surely my paper and life’s work will fold.

What could be better than hitting the road?

Making the stories I’d once been reporting

The future, the past, and the present distorting

What would mom say if she saw me resorting

To running and laughing and shameless cavorting?

As it turns five and of course I head home

The sky is an ominous gray monochrome.

I wonder which parent gave the chromosome

That gives me the hesitant instinct to roam.