catch me if i fall

i feel as if i am a woman of polar opposites. i am fiercely strong, yet unendingly weak. i am a woman at peace,a woman at war. i am a person of introversion, a person of strength an inner depth…but i am so dependent.

i need others. i need someone to catch me when i fall. i depend so heavily on family and friends. i can’t feel alone. i go crazy if i feel alone.

obviously, i enjoy solitude. i like being physically alone. i mean mentally. i need to know i have a safety net, a web of friends. i need people who support me by kicking me with their heels to get me into a run. i need people who comfort me and life my hands in theirs and patter me with kisses and hold me like a cracked ornament.

i need people, i do. truly. does that make me a bad introvert? 🙂

i couldn’t survive alone. i dump my problems on those around me. without my friends, without this blog, without you, my problems would not get dumped, and they would sit in my head like a steaming pile of garbage, stinking and rotting and driving me out with their stench.

i am selfish.

i try to support. i try to hold others up, but my arms aren’t as strong as i want them to be, as they need them to be. i feel useless to others.

My joints are stiff with baseless anxiety.

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Oh, now you come here with a grin ear to ear

And you say not to fear the first day of the year,

You’re a cheer engineer, and now you volunteer

Schedule clear, if I can persevere…

But how can I dare? To walk upon air

Dance among debonairs with champagne in the air

You may have not a care, but Times Square’s a nightmare.

It’s not fair. I’m the heir of despair. Yes, I’m scared

That your promise will fall, you’re not in the long haul,

And you think, overall, that you are a heal-all

Midnight call, protocol, almost done, after all

A rag doll in rainfall…I can’t go to your ball.

I’d just hide, by your side, an invisible bride

They might chide but I’m fried. If you’d let me confide:

Bonafide petrified. Amplified cast-aside,

And my mind is outside, for I’m dying inside.

Let me get out the way, let me run faraway

Oh just please don’t delay, help me find the stairway

Or some small alleyway, where there’s no disarray

I’ll decay while you stay, I won’t ruin your day.

 

But I want you to go. And hey, you never know

It might be a fun show. If your nerves domino,

Shaking hands, spilt Bordeaux, We’ll just go. Don’t you know,

I’d rather be home with you than a party alone.