nervous

October 23, 2018

architect

I want to write.

I’m terrified.

Even my sister, who’s never read a word, told me that I need to get over my fears and do it, edit, send it off to people.

I’ve sent it off to people.

Every time I look at my novel I feel both better and worse. I touch up a few things, take out a word here, add a word there, make a few more connections from here to there. It’s like weaving a hammock, and every little knot makes it more structurally sound.

And now that I can lay in it, I’ve taken to weaving in flowers. Dying the rope. Making it pretty, not just serviceable. And I’m happy.

And I’m locked.

My stomach has been churning at top speed. My fingernails have been bitten away to shards. I’m breaking out in welts.

I need to get this book out.

It’s not ready.

That’s the thing, it’s not ready. It’s not good enough. I’ve been writing since I was in second grade and I’ve been writing books since I was twelve and this is my tenth year writing novels, my eighth novel, and it’s not good enough, not yet. But what can I do to improve?

I know it’s good. But it’s not great. It’s ignorable, and I don’t want that. This is something I have been putting every ounce of my being into, every drop of my soul.

I have agonized over every paragraph, and yet it’s not good enough.

I know it will never be perfect in my mind, but my heart won’t agree.

I must be a designer, not just an architect.

June 30, 2016

Too early

I’m always too early for things. Guess it’s better than too late, but it’s still a hindrance–for me, not really for anyone else. 

I think it’s another way that anxiety makes me take on more than my fair share. I’d rather sit in a hot parking lot alone for a half hour than make someone wait two minutes. That’s no good, but I can’t help it. I feel better when I’m prepared, and being prepared by being early is just another way to do that. 

I’m sitting in a hot parking lot right now, actually, waiting for lunch with my boss. It’s not just any lunch with any boss–it’s our first lunch, because it’s the first time we’ve met. Meaning, I’ve worked for her for the entirety of my 6 month internship and am only meeting her now, a week after it ended.

Oh, yes, I’m nervous. I’m the first intern in over three rotations to see her face (she works at home). But at the same time, I know her. Right? Is it possible to know someone from a half-year of emails and a handful of phone calls?

I guess I’m about to find out. Well, in half an hour. 

Jeez. It’s like a first date, except we know each other and no longer work together and…this is so weird.
I hope the food is good at least? Chinese food, how could it not be? Worst comes to worst I’ll just fill myself with egg rolls and go home and never see her again, case closed. 
You’d think someone with a blog section on conversation starters would be less nervous about this sort of thing…

June 28, 2016

To stand out or not to stand out

When I put together an outfit I never wear more than one “weird thing.” 

Meaning, if I’m wearing a yellow shirt I can’t do something new with my hair. If I wear a big necklace I can’t wear heels, and so on. Only one weird thing at a time.

I tell myself that I do this out of a sense of fashion. After all, don’t want to wear an outfit that is too loud. However, I’m beginning to think it’s because I don’t have enough self confidence to wear something that makes me stand out. 

Like how I wrote in my “fashion tips” posts, it works best for me if I wear something that can be both fashionable and not too bold, or something that can be changed from one to the other as need be. Perhaps it’s time I change that.

I painted my nails bubble gum pink today while waiting for a train. Will this make me more confident, or will I be removing it by sundown? Only time will tell. For now, I see it as a personal challenge. Let’s see how long I can stand it!

June 25, 2016

The SO’s family

Oof! I just had the most filling dinner ever. It was amazing Mexican food but I’m so full. 

It was with my boyfriend and his family. These dinners used to be really stressful for me, but now they’re okay. 

I no longer grab at the hem of my dress or drink water compulsively to excuse myself from talking. I no longer speak in a whisper or control how loud I laugh. It used to be bad, though.

In fact, I had actually used these dinners as an example of an “anxiety-producing situation” when I first began therapy for anxiety about 5 months ago. In such a short amount of time they have gone from one of my worst fears to something I quite look forward to–and not just for the piles of great, free food. I like his family a lot. The dinners are fun, exciting. I like getting to know them more and I like how they are getting to know me.

I suppose it’s a mix of becoming more comfortable around them and becoming more comfortable with myself. 

It’s nice to feel accepted. It’s something that takes time and work, but it’s worth it. I love how I’m beginning to be treated like part of the family. I like belonging.

I am still nervous about some facets with them. We’re going away for a weekend together soon, which should be…something.

I’m getting there. For all those nervous introverts with one foot in and one foot out of the significant other (SO) family door, just know that it gets easier. 

June 24, 2016

Belie: Short Fic Friday

The bells are shining, round and bubble-shaped. The bells are huge, they hurt my head. The tower is tall, we walk right underneath. The aisle is…

My dress is white, my dad is shaking, my shoes hurt my feet but they look so nice. My flowers are wrong. I wanted lilies. Lilies mean death, apparently. Inappropriate for a wedding. I beg to differ.

I’ve always liked lilies.

My shoes still hurt. The bridesmaids float like angels. Their dresses are blue, with pink sashes. My husband, no, my fiance stands like a statue. The grotesque crucifix hangs on the wall behind him. So graphic. The nails.

The priest. I wanted an old one, he’s so young. The people line up. The little girl, with the flowers. The boy, with the rings. What’s his name? Who knows.

My dad’s still shaking. Maybe now crying. I want to smile. I don’t feel a thing.

He says, “let’s go.”

We take a step, and the aisle falls in steps like an opening handheld fan and it’s a staircase,  covered in red. My dress is long, we fall. We float, like angels, downward. We float in time to the music. I hear a string quartet, I hear a beehive. I hear the bells, ringing ominous and dark. Lilies mean death, do the bells they ring at funerals? Are there special wedding bells, did I miss them?

The aisle is so long. Fiance waiting, sweating. The flowers are wrong.

My father says, “don’t worry, I’ll stop this aisle from being stairs.”

People stare.

 

I blink. My reflection blinks, too. What a pretty mirror, such a nice frame. I suppose the hotel could afford it.

“Well,” I tell myself, returning to my makeup. “No matter what happens, at least it won’t be that.”

I paint my cheeks, my eyes. I’m in sweatpants, my dress hanging in the closet. I’d kicked my fiance out. How soon is “before the wedding?” How long were we supposed to spend apart?

Of course it was a dream. Can you dream while awake? Daydream, I guess. I was young, then. I pull my skin back at the temples. What kind of person gets married for the first time at 50, anyhow? I sigh, drop my blush brush to rest on the vanity tabletop.

Big wedding. Had to have a big wedding. Couldn’t have lilies. Headache.

Bells? Out the window, bells? Morning mass.

I raise the brush to my cheek again. Well, here we go.

June 8, 2016

Meeting the family: Conversation Starters

Your new significant other is amazing. They’re everything you’ve ever wanted, and the last few weeks or months have been like walking on air. They met your friends recently, and got along swimmingly. Now, they want you to meet their friends—or worse, their family.

Naturally you comply, though when they pick you up you’re shaking like a leaf. The night starts out fine, quick introductions, you talk about your job a bit. By the time the appetizer arrives you’re feeling pretty relaxed. It’s halfway through the appetizer that you realize you hadn’t said a word since you ordered, and that was nearly ten minutes ago. They’re all chatting up a storm, and you can barely get a word in edgewise. The topics are changing fast, and inside jokes keep coming up to inexplicable laughter.

How do you deal with meeting a group of people who are already close to one another?

Whenever this sort of scenario happened to me, I found myself being quiet, just observing the family. Whoever was introducing me would later tell me that their friends thought I was “nice, but quiet.” They would say I could talk more. I would be astonished, thinking I had done quite well.

Surviving an evening is different from enjoying one. While it might be beneficial and easier to sit back and observe, these people want to get to know you. They can’t do that if you don’t talk to them.

My suggestion is to act like a predator and go for the weak! Just kidding. Kinda. What I mean by this is to talk to someone who isn’t talking much. Maybe it’s the kid sister, or the father, or one of their quieter friends. I wouldn’t try to strike up a conversation with the person commanding the room, because then everyone will be watching your response. Instead, wait until the table separates into smaller conversations, and talk to a calmer person, to start.

Well, you’ve found your target. Now what? They’re quiet, seem friendly, and are close enough so you can speak at a low-to-moderate volume, but what on earth are you going to say to them?

Think. Didn’t your significant other talk about them before? A great way to start up a conversation is the good old, “So, Sam tells me you’re into [insert hobby here].”

People love talking about their hobbies, especially to new people. It’s also more fun to listen to than a flat description of their job. If you’re lucky, someone has the same hobby as you do, and you can bond over that.

Did your significant other not prepare you at all? Well, you’ll have to be quick…like a predator, again! Follow the conversation and don’t be afraid to jump in. Chances are, they want you to speak, and are waiting to hear you contribute. So, join in. I know, easier said than done (rather, easier said than said in front of other people). But if they’re talking about movies, a simple “Oh, I haven’t seen it yet, is it good?” could get you points.

I find that you don’t have to be a super talkative person on the first group adventure, but you do have to talk. Think of it like a class participation grade.

If it’s truly painful, try to get through the evening mathematically. There are a few different formulas I’ve used to make sure I’m talking enough. One is to try to talk again once I’m the last person to have spoken. Meaning, if everyone in the table has said something since I’ve spoken last, I try to participate again.

Another tactic is to use time and simply try to talk once every five minutes or so.

If you still feel like you aren’t talking enough, remember that a huge amount of language is in the eyes. Make eye contact, even if you aren’t talking. It will make you look engaged and participatory.

Finally, remember: even if your relationship is new, your significant other likes you. They care about you, and want you to have a good time with their family/friends. Ask your significant other for help, if need be. Tell them you get nervous around big groups of new people. Ask them to make space in the conversation to you. Ask them not to leave you alone in a room with them. Ask what so-and-so likes to talk about, and if there are any sensitive topics not to bring up. Ask them to do whatever you want, and they’ll likely do anything to make you more comfortable. After all, they’re probably about as nervous as you are.

If all else fails, just make sure you say something, at some point. It’s okay if they think you’re quiet, because, well, you’re quiet. Things will get easier the more time you spend with them, so just bite the bullet until it becomes second nature. Until then, best of luck. May the flow of conversation be ever in your favor.

June 7, 2016

Strong

What if my hands

Are too weak to hold your purse?

What if my stomach

Is too weak to be your nurse?

What if my arms

Are too weak to hold you awhile?

What if my words

Are too weak to make you smile?

What if my jokes

Are too weak to make you laugh?

What if my kisses

Are too weak to make you gasp?

Will you accept me if I’m weak

In all I wrote above

If I can prove that what is strong

About me is my love?

June 7, 2016

Where you from?: Conversation Starters

It’s the first day in a new class, or at a new job. You don’t know anybody, and have two choices: either hide in the back-left corner, take out your laptop, and pretend you can’t see or hear anyone, or strike up a conversation with someone nearby.

You know the class/job will likely be easier if you have someone to talk to. And look! There’s someone who doesn’t seem so loud or annoying. You start talking a bit, and it’s going well, but you realize you’re running out of things to say. You can only discuss classes and majors and previous jobs for so long, and you don’t know anything else about this person. Where’s the best place to go from here?

Place…that’s it!

It may sound lame, but asking where someone’s from is one of the oldest and best tricks in the book. No matter where they’re from, it can inform and further the conversation.

Are they from your hometown? What a coincidence! Ask about their high school experience, if they ever went to that great Indian restaurant, if they know so-and-so.

Are they from your home state? Great! You can talk about how you have/have not been to their town. You can talk about your ventures to the capital city, or the other big attractions. You can talk about how you’ve always wanted to go there.

Are they from a well-known place, like New York City? Now you can ask if it’s really like how it is in the movies. Is it as crowded/expensive? What stereotypes are true? You can ask this about really any place you don’t know well. They’re from England/Morocco/Alabama/Kuwait? What’s it like there? I’ve heard this, is that true? What’s the best part about it? This is a great way to learn about them and a new place at the same time.

Are they from a place you’ve never heard of? Like a strange farming town or a country you couldn’t point to on a map? Even better. Admit that you’ve never heard of it—they probably won’t be surprised that you haven’t—and ask questions.

The best thing about this question is that it’s easy and harmless. Plus, it gets turned back to you with no pressure. Someone will almost always ask the question back to you, but you have the answer prepared. You know where you’re from, and you know plenty about it.

Much like the “weather” conversation starter, this may seem obvious and maybe even cliché. But it’s a tool you can keep in your tool belt when conversation begins to run dry. You can always find another question to ask after you know where someone’s from.

However! This only really works with people you just met. Don’t ask it if you already know the answer! That would just be awkward. Good luck!

June 6, 2016

Top 5 types of people an introvert would find easy to date

Dating is hard, even for people who actually like small talk. It can be awkward, embarrassing, and plain difficult to ask someone on a date, never mind actually going out with them. To help out with this process, I’ve compiled my top five types of people that are (generally) easy to date for introverts. And don’t worry; I talk about the risks as well. So no matter your preference, I hope this helps you find the person of your dreams! Best of luck!

5. The talkative one.

They might give you a headache by the end of the night, but the positive of the talkative date is that you won’t have to worry about filling any awkward silences. They’ll take care of that. They also won’t mind if you don’t have a story to contribute—they’ll just tell another one. You are able to relax and pitch in when you like, all while learning more about them. Be wary, though. Talkative people tend to be extroverts, and that might not mix well with you. Give them a chance, though. If nothing else, you’ll have a low-stress dinner.

4. The film buff.

Going to the movies was always my favorite date idea. You are expected to stay quiet for two hours, how easy is that? Afterward, you’ll have plenty to talk about and it still feels like you spent a lot of quality time together, even if most of it was focused on a screen. A film buff will love taking you to movies, and will chat with you about the film after. They’ll probably let you get more words in than the talkative one, but that’s okay. You’ll know what to say. The warning with the film buff is that if you end up dating long term you’ll see a lot of movies, many of which will be black and white and/or depressing and/or in a foreign language and/or you have to see it twice to “really get it.” If that makes you cringe, maybe pass on this one. If you’re super down for that, definitely give the film buff a go.

3. The food critic.

Oh, if you love food, this could be the perfect date for you. Imagine, a meal in a lovely restaurant with fine wine and finer entrees. Even if you end up not liking the person, the date will be a raging success for your taste buds. Luckily, you probably will like the date! Food critics are often rather romantic, well spoken, and appreciative of the finer things. Usually, they also like cooking, and will gladly stay in to cook you their newest creation. Plus, you’ll never run out of things to talk about once the food arrives. You can talk about meals you ate abroad, the best restaurant in your home town, cooking adventures, or even just ask them questions about how they see food. Warning: make sure they have more to their personality than “critiquing,” or they may end up critiquing you. If they have nothing positive to say about a dinner, be wary. They might simply be a negative person, and that’s no fun.

2. The introvert.

Dating an introvert is plain awesome…not to brag, or anything. Imagine a relationship where you’re never forced to do what you don’t want to do. Many a date night will consist of ordering pizza and eating it in sweatpants. Campfires and s’mores replace parties you don’t want to go to. They understand your need for alone time, and aren’t offended when you ask for it—after all, they’ll need some too. It’s a match made in heaven, full of books, cuddling, and probably a cat or houseplant. There are some risks to an introvert + introvert relationship though: the biggest is falling into a routine. I know many of my favorite memories wouldn’t have happened without light persuading from an extrovert. An introverted significant other may not challenge you to do scary things, and sometimes scary things are good for us. It’s nice to stay in, but it’s also nice to go out every once in awhile.

1. The friend.

The scariest part of dating for introverts is the social awkwardness of meeting new people. So, why not skip that part altogether? Dating someone who was your friend first is always risky, but can pay off big time. You already know a lot about each other, and know you have fun together. They already know your introverted tendencies, and are possibly an introvert themselves. You don’t have to endure much awkwardness or wonder what to talk about. The first date will be just like how you normally hang out, except maybe with a kiss at the end! What could be easier than that? Sure, sometimes it’s not so simple. Rejection is scary, and if they say no it could make things awkward between you. But communication and openness can result in a fantastic relationship with someone you already enjoy being around, which is exactly why the friend is the easiest person for an introvert to date.

June 6, 2016

Relaxing is hard

Relaxing is difficult for me. I suppose it always has been. I’m the sort of person who bounces their knee under the table.

Relaxing is hard to justify, especially when it’s not “an activity.” I can relax on a beach, because that’s why I’m there. But when it’s Sunday night and I could either relax or do any number of activities, I feel lazy if I choose to relax.

Maybe I just need to learn that it’s not a bad thing to take a break every once in a while.

Yesterday I was playing Star Wars with my 3 year old cousin. We would run around in capes made of blankets, and then he would announce “Take a break!” and we would leap onto a couch and catch our breaths for about sixteen seconds before taking off again. That’s sort of how I treat relaxing. A burden you have to do so you don’t break down.

Even when I specifically set aside time to relax, I have a hard time doing so. Growing up, vacations were always spent doing things. Those relaxing beach moments I described earlier were just that—moments, because my family would soon tire of it and decide to go swimming, or something.

Last night, since I truly didn’t have much to do and had such a busy week last week, I decided to let myself relax. To “force” myself to relax may be better phrasing. I turned on Netflix and laid down  for about an hour and a half, then I started feeling gross and restless. I should get out of bed…I should do something. I should prepare for tomorrow. I could do laundry. Do I need gas? I haven’t used Rosetta Stone in awhile. I need to shower at some point. Did I water my plants yet? Maybe I should repot my cactus.

And so on.

I want to be able to relax. It would be good for me. But it’s hard. It feels lazy and unproductive. Even a “relaxing” activity like knitting or video games feels difficult after awhile.

What do you do to relax? Do you feel guilty/lazy/restless when you try to?